Oct 30 2008
Player Preview: Greg Oden And Other Large People
Damn it. Here’s the reason why you don’t do a preview that extends to the second game of the regular season. Something horrible and disgusting can happen in game 1. My original plan during this preview was to save Greg until the very last post, on Halloween day itself, and fill his preview with superlatives, hyperboles, and tall tales like how the folds in his forehead create such pressure, he occasionally sticks tiny pieces of coal in there before a game in order to give the resulting diamonds to impoverished children from Laos when the game’s over. No more. Instead I’ll just give you his damn costume.
Halloween Costume
It’s Sam Goddamn Bowie. I don’t think Kevin Durant will turn into Michael Jordan, but all these injuries to Oden are seriously making this one comparison more than obvious. It’s like waiting all year for Christmas and your parents say they have a great present for you, and then when you see the tree, the present is huge, almost the size of the tree itself! You have to grab a chair because the box is so tall, there could be all kinds of Legos or ponies in there. When you open it, it’s filled with elephant shit. You turn around and it your parents start laughing at you and say, “You like elephants, right?” Thanks for the box of elephant shit, Blazers.
One guy that’s always injured and will always receive a big pass on the other hand is perennial fan favorite and Uncoordinated White Guy™ Joel Przybilla. He hasn’t had a season yet with the Blazers that he’s gone uninjured, but then again, the hopes of our franchise were almost never on his back. He’s always been the backup until someone better arrived, and now we’re still stuck with him. He’s great at what he does: he can dunk, he can set the best screens in the NBA, he’s generally willing to run down the floor, and he gives financial advice to the younger Blazers. I imagine Joel’s year will be solid and he will step up admirably in Oden’s absence, just like last year.
Channing Frye definitely just got served a jackpot of playing time. He was going to be stuck in the Diogu zone (who will not receive a preview), doomed to languish behind LMA, Oden, Outlaw, and Przybilla, but now he’s back in the rotation. He’s apparently added a 3 point shot, and I’m sure he’s still pretty soft. But screw that! No player not named Steve Blake has adjusted to Portland more happily than Channing Frye. He seems like the kind of dude you’ll see riding fixies down Alberta and trying to find peacoats in size 50 at the Red Light.
Halloween Costumes:
For Joel:
Joel seems like the kind of person that would be making Borat jokes two years after the movie came out.
For Channing:
For one of the dopiest dudes on the team, one of the dopiest dudes in history. You’ve earned it, Channing.
