Trail Post - A Portland Trail Blazers Blog

(Author’s note: In place of a tirade against a horrible loss, a simple open letter will take its place)

Dear Guy Sitting Behind Me, 

Huh?

Did you actually do that?

I don’t know if you knew this, but we’re at a basketball game, and a close one at that.  These teams are exchanging runs, and I am a fan of the home team.  The best way I know of helping them to a win is to scream reminders at Hedo Turkoglu of how his face is shaped like a triangle or how I am convinced that Dwight Howard wears a bra.  To do this, I need to stand up, in order to let them know it’s coming from me.

What if I had some sort of joint disorder or disease?  Like I had to stand up whenever I heard a certain decibel level.  It would definitely make train stations hell.  What then?  You really would feel like the fool.  I do not have this disorder.

Seriously, though, why?  I’m confused.  It’s one of the biggest possessions of the game, and standing is one of the best ways I know of to cope with the nerves (especially in the fourth quarter, when the Rose Garden becomes drier than Utah).  I need to yell defense, as there are thousands in the crowd that join in simultaneously, that are doing their duties as fans.  But you tug on my Rudy Fernandez jersey.  That red-lined white number 5 staring you in the face is ruining the game for you.  What does one do when someone is standing?  I mean, there’s no recourse.  It’s not as if you can’t stand too.  I mean,  we’re packed tight here, and we’ve all elbowed our fair share of shoulders and sides, how can we stand?  And what would happen if you did?  You would become like me.  You would be the guy who’s yelling at a game.

I imagine this is some sort of nightmare for you.  When you were a kid, I bet you read your Dr. Seuss books at the top of the slide as a line of kids waited behind you to actually use it.  ”It’s so scenic up here,” you’d say to them.  When your wife was giving birth, you told her to quiet down.  Who can blame you though?  The Times Crossword isn’t going to solve itself.  (Five letter word, “Elaine Chao is the Secretary of _______,”)  Cut down the racket!  

We all paid good money to see this game, and guess what, if I’m sitting in front of you, I probably paid a little more.  There’s a solution to not letting people stand in front of you.  Buy seats as far up as possible.  If that’s not possible, try having a little fun; it’s a basketball game.

Stand up with me.  The air’s a little cleaner up here, and the view is incredible.

Yours,
The Guy Who Ruined The Game For You  

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