Jan 21 2009
No, Lil Wayne Will Not Be At Tonight’s Game
The guest for the commencement ceremony at the University of Oregon’s School of Journalism and Communication during the summer of 2008 was Dan Wieden, a partner at Wieden+Kennedy, one of the most famous ad agencies in the world.¹ I expected him to tell us about life working in the ad business, and maybe to give us all some pointers on how to get ahead. Instead, he regaled us with stories about passing French class by sleeping with the teacher and spent the rest of the time talking about the Singularity.
The Singularity, of course, is the point where artificial intelligence reaches the same level as human intelligence. From here, robots could start designing improved versions of themselves, leading to an exponential growth in their intelligence. This fertile territory has been farmed in science fiction many times, with the newly self-aware robots attempting to wipe out humanity in series like Terminator, The Matrix, and Battlestar Galactica, among others. The basic gist of the whole deal was, “Watch out for the killer robots.”²
Five months later, Nike released a Wieden+Kennedy-produced ad on Thanksgiving featuring the man who could be the first to achieve the Singularity in the world of team sports. The sports Singularity would be the point where a player becomes worth more than the value of his team, and then through exponential growth, more than the value of the league. The spot, called “Chalk,” focuses on LeBron James’ pregame ritual of rubbing chalk between his hands and then throwing it up into the sky, creating a silty cloud over press row. The spot itself is a wonderful conflation of coincidences, a meeting between paranoia of the technological Singularity and the vanguard of business among the NBA.
The thing is, the sports singularity has been approached before. Michael Jordan transcended the game and shaped culture, making baggy shorts the norm and shaven heads the insurance policy for sufferers of male pattern baldness. He also was the richest man in the league, with endorsements ranging from Ball Park Franks to Gatorade, all while being immortalized in his adopted home city by a team of Chris Farley, George Wendt, and Mike Myers. And the six rings, I suppose. He was the one who almost reached the magical point, if it weren’t for certain human weaknesses. If he was Deep Blue, then Gary Kasparov would be his addiction to gambling.³
That’s where LeBron James comes in. James is the second version of Michael Jordan, improved in every way. A better dunker, a faster runner, stronger, taller, a better passer, and an eye turned firmly toward the business world from the moment he graduated from high school. I remember seeing his mug staring at me from Bubblelicious wrappers before he even entered the NBA. Beyond that, James took Jordan’s number and his pregame chalk ritual. By the time LeBron was 23, he was making over $27 million a year, and stating the goal of becoming the first athlete to make a billion dollars. In a recent interview with GQ, he explains, “I want to maximize my potential as a businessman. I don’t want to look back twenty years from now and think, Why didn’t I do this when I had the muscle? It’s not , I made a billion, yay, let the confetti rain. It’s all about maximizing potential.” This does not sound like normal 24 year old. It sounds like an artificially created basketball cyborg sent back in time to destroy the NBA and make as much money as possible doing so. He is the Singularity in all forms.
Which brings us back to Wieden+Kennedy’s “Chalk.” He isn’t playing a home game during this spot, oh no, he’s playing at the Rose Garden, specifically against the Portland Trailblazers. In the ad, you can find his teammates Anderson Varejao and Boobie Gibson and members of the opposing team. Brandon Roy, a pitchman for Nike himself, is seen for a split second before the tipoff. Greg Oden, the most hyped number one choice since James, goes by in an instant. LaMarcus Aldridge takes on the starring role of not boxing out LeBron and watching him rise for a jam from the free throw line. James is a black hole of exposure in the commercial. The only thing that can escape his gravitational field is the occasional wisp of rosin. There’s nothing one of the most hyped young teams in the NBA can do against him but just drop their jaws and enjoy the show.
That’s what the Portland fans do in the spot as well. They emulate their home team, and just embrace the calculated grace of this demi-god. They salute him after the dunk by blowing chalk back toward him, in an exaggerated call and response that would make James Brown proud. “A Milli” maestro Lil Wayne, in an unexpected cameo, looks down, and brushes some of the chalk off of his Nike Zoom Lebron VIs.
A lot of things posited in the commercial could happen tonight. Yes, LeBron will do the chalk routine. Yes, he will be the greatest force in the NBA today. Yes, he may steal the opening tip from LaMarcus. Yes, he would dunk that ball with mechanical authority. And yes, the fans of Portland may summon rosin from their hands to praise him. However believable all this could be, I must draw a line somewhere.
No, Lil Wayne will not be at tonight’s game.
¹ A brief rundown of their most famous work: the Nike slogan “Just Do It”; Mars Blackmon Air Jordan commecials; “This is SportsCenter”; “Bo Knows”; etc.
² Which is why I took so long to see Wall-E. I still don’t know how so many people were duped into finding that thing lovable. He’s a robot, therefore, he’s evil.
³ Michael Jordan’s subsequent career as part of the Charlotte Bobcats’ front office and steak pitchman while smoking copious stogies is analogous to Deep Blue’s unceremonious dismantling and placement in the Information Age wing of the National Museum of American History.
Your problem is assuming the robots would destroy us. That makes no sense. It’s a typical knee-jerk reaction to the unknown. The same fear that has driven conservative values for years, destroying all that is new for no reason except that it’s different. Its the exact thing that makes Obama being president such a special thing. We don’t talk about it much, but of course the reason it’s amazing is all the people who think a black man is less than a white man. There had never been a black president, so it must be bad. Obama had to overcome these people, perhaps these people forced him to be a better person. I guess mankind needs something to drive against as we go forward, it’s just sad that the opposing force that makes us sharp has to be ourselves. I’m sure there are less self destructive, and more honorable ways to do this.
In closing, robots are awsome, and until all humans are fed, clothed, and have a fair shake in life, who are you shit on something that might help them. Oh yeah, your scared.
Sorry, forget all that. I get sensitive when people talk about robots being evil. I tried to edit but it wouldn’t let me. It was a good article. I do hope however that 5 great players working together will always be able to beat one amazing player, no matter how good he is.
Robots were a literary device in the post. However, that does not change the fact that they’re pure evil.
Great post Robert. I thought it was pretty strange that Dan Weiden went off on robotics during the
graduation ceremony, but I guess, at the least, it provided a great tie-in for your blog post. Now I want to go to another Blazer game.
Black holes too. At the center of a black hole lies the singularity, where matter is crushed to infinite density, the pull of gravity is infinitely strong, and spacetime has infinite curvature. Here it’s no longer meaningful to speak of space and time, much less spacetime. Jumbled up at the singularity, space and time cease to exist as we know them.