Feb 02 2009
Meet The Nate Robinson All Stars
There are a group of players in the NBA that define everything I love about the game and everything I would never want anywhere near me. They make the most unexpected and acrobatic plays, and turn it over one second afterward. They’re the guys that make you buy tickets against cellar dwellers like the Bobcats or the Kings, just because they may do something legitimately insane that no one else could possibly do. They are players that you absolutely love to watch, but would never want on your team. These are the Nate Robinson All Stars.
Nate Robinson: This 5′9″ stick of dynamite defines the term “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” You can jump over Spud Webb? Did you just block Yao Ming? Oh, you’ve never had a record over .500. Well, uh, still can’t wait until the Knicks come to town!
Tracy McGrady: This sleepy-eyed assassin seems like he’d be the perfect addition to a team. He’s one of the greatest scorers in the league, and had the greatest 35 seconds in NBA history. He can do whatever he wants on the floor, but is physically unable to play an entire NBA season, and his teams have never made it past the second round of the playoffs.
Charlie Villanueva: Loves T-Mac. Hates eyebrows. In a recent blog post, Villanueva posited: “I guess if I had to pick one person [to play alongside], it would probably be T-Mac. I was always a fan of his game and it would be pretty cool to play alongside him. But that’s just hypothetically speaking, so don’t start coming up with any trade rumors with me going to Houston now, LOL!!!” Even as we speak, the Nate Robinson All Stars are assembling.
Adam Morrison: I was a proponent of the “Draft the Stache” movement. This guy is absolutely horrible, but it’s still fun to see him try to play. It’s like watching a foal learn to walk, except more awkward.
Tyrus Thomas: Known forever as the medium through which the Bulls were Pritch-slapped, Thomas brings tons of energy and ineptitude, slamming down furious dunks on the break and fumbling rebounds into the stands.
Zach Randolph: The man is a walking black hole, but also happens to be the most skilled post player in the NBA. I’ve never seen a big man do more with less athletic ability than Zach Randolph. Thank God he got traded.
Travis Outlaw: A cheap shot, I know. Fact is, when he rises up for a jumper off the drive, my ankles break a little. It’s unnatural and gawky, beautiful and bombastic like Michel Legrand’s score in Une femme est une femme. When he misses the shot, I need whiskey.
Of course, I would love to do a piece on the anti-Nate Robinson All Stars; you know, a team that you would hate to watch, but would love to be your team, but unfortunately, this team already has a website devoted to them.
LOL!