Trail Post - A Portland Trail Blazers Blog

The Blazers are getting incredibly desperate. If this was trying to find a date for the prom, the Blazers just asked out the hunch-backed girl that has lobster claw hands. Hedo Turkoglu would have to be the prettiest girl in school, the one who is obvious and cliched to ask out, never would have worked anyway, and who was just using you to get a limo ride from her boyfriend. Paul Millsap is the coolest girl in school, the one who is able to make jokes with the guys, and would be a perfect girlfriend. Too bad she already had a boyfriend. Now we’re down and desperate. Andre Miller is lobster girl. Yes, she needs loving too, and I’m sure she’s a wonderful person, but she was only picked as our date because she was the closest person who was free.

Miller is probably one of the worst signings we could make. If we signed him to a lower amount that signaled that he would only be a spot back up, it would probably be one of the strongest. We didn’t. Now, he has the money, and the reason to demand solid playing time. The only issue is this guy couldn’t fit in our system less. He can’t start because he can’t hit an outside shot. He can’t play defense at all, so never mind about the idea of getting a stopper. He’s basically a slightly better Sergio Rodriguez. This signing is a double burn: first on the fans, in that they wasted the cap space, and second on Jerryd Bayless as they show they have no faith in him as a point guard.

The worst part of this desperation is that in our hurry to find a date as fast as possible we missed the right one. She’s the new girl who wears glasses and overalls with paint on them. She has a ponytail. Horribly uncool. Of course, she could turn into something great. Of course, that is Ramon Sessions. He’s young, better than Miller already, and much cheaper. But I guess that dream is over.

I just wish that Kevin Pritchard had watched She’s All That before going insane this off-season.

Haters need fuel. No, not heaters (although they need it too) - haters. They will find someone to assign their hate to, and follow through with that. If there’s no one deserving, it will be arbitrarily assigned for some cultural reason. This person is a scapegoat. It seems like one of the most proud traditions of Blazer fans is assigning a player this derogatory name. This player tends to underachieve a bit, hurt the team in key moments, and have a small, yet zealous and disproportionately loud base, like much of today’s Republican party.

Any fan who’s been following the team with even mildly piqued interest knows the scapegoats of past seasons. You can even assign them nicknames based on the players’ foibles. Of course, 2006-2007 was the Year of the Black Hole, as the team’s offense was dominated by Zach Randolph, despite the best efforts of Brandon Roy take it over. 2007-08 was the Year of the Foot Out of Bounds, as Jarrett Jack would get confused as to where his heel ended and the end lines began. Jack got strong competition from Sergio’s bad passes off of hands and feet, and that season was almost the Year of the Errant Pass. Last season, of course, that was the Year of the Foot on the Line, thanks to Travis’ preferred method of putting up a long-distance shot.

Still, the goat changes every year, and it’s difficult for anyone not named Zach Randolph to repeat. Travis has made runs, but his relative importance is no where near what Zach’s was, hurting his case in the long term. With a trade seeming imminent, there could be an all-new scapegoat to drunkenly hurl insults at through the TV next year. Let’s take a look at the contenders.

Jerryd Bayless - Even if he’s the better version of Jarrett Jack, he’s still a version of Jarrett Jack. If he doesn’t figure out how to distribute better and stop getting in foul trouble, the team could be leaving its point guard duties to a point guard who’s even more of a journeyman than Steve Blake. Projected Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Too Much Body Up Top.

Steve Blake - Our point guards aren’t a wreck, but they prospectively could be. Blake’s got the work ethic, but he is still deficient in athleticism. Quick guards eat his lunch, and then take his mother out for a nice steak dinner, and then never call her back. If that three point shooting dries up, he becomes a husk, and the Blazers are in danger. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Broken Ankle.

Rudy Fernandez - Maybe this comes as a surprise, considering Rudy’s one of the most popular players in the city, but can you name another player on the team that makes as many ridiculous mistakes as Rudy? He gambles, he takes what look like wild threes, and he isn’t that good at defense. Fortunately, his incredible successes make those mild failures easily forgettable. With the departure of Sergio, this could change. How will his chemistry be with Jerryd? Will there still be those midcourt-thrown alley-oops? Let’s hope this doesn’t happen. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Why Can’t He Dunk This Season.

Greg Oden - Last year was for learning, this year is for doing. He doesn’t have the excuse of it being his first year any more. Greg has to produce. We can’t have him being out of position constantly and picking up dumb fouls. No matter what damage he could do through scoring and rebounds, it won’t matter if he’s on the bench. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Ticky Tack.

Kevin Pritchard - It’s been a while since a GM earned this honor, as Bob Whitsitt and the Year of the Washed Up Veterans was the last known occurrence of this happening. With the failures this summer and past spring to acquire new talent, Pritchard is put on notice. He could easily lose the scapegoat tag with a Ramon Sessions signing though. It would also banish Rex and Blake from the list too. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Staying Put.

Travis Outlaw - If by some strange coincidence, Travis is still on the team and still getting minutes, he would be technically eligible for the award, even if he received it last year. However, it would take a failure of an incredible degree (think Outlaw accidentally stabbing Brandon Roy with a hypodermic needle full of cyanide during a fourth quarter against the Lakers) for him to steal the award outright, as any normal Travis action that adversely affects the team should be attributed to Kevin Pritchard. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the I Can’t Believe He Stabbed Brandon Roy With a Hypodermic Needle, How Did That Even Get on the Floor.

Nobody - Maybe it all comes together. Maybe the team works together and any gaffes are immediately corrected by valiant play and hard work. Though it hasn’t happened in a long time, maybe we won’t have a scapegoat next year. This can actually happen, too. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Championship.

No more Millsap. This offseason has been a hilarious series of failures and PR blunders from the Blazers front office. They must be wishing for the season to come just so the play on the court (which will be some of the best in the NBA no matter what) will take the focus off their new-found ineptitude.

Then again, who’s to say it was ineptitude. This Millsap move was a success in that it punished a division rival in a very serious way no matter what. If he were to come to the Blazers, Utah would have lost one of their border-line all-stars. Instead, they paid a border-line all-star like an all-star, crippling their salary situation. They crippled their salary cap.

Could the Blazers reap the benefits from this in some sort of hypothetical play for Kirk Hinrich? Probably. But I wouldn’t be getting my hopes up right now. We may be done this offseason, we may not be. No matter what, the Blazers are still one of the NBA’s best teams.

You’re not going to get rid of me that easily. In case you don’t know what irony or bad sarcasm is, I wasn’t actually quitting during that last post. I just need to clear that up.

Anyway, in case you haven’t noticed, there haven’t been any previews or recaps of the summer league games. The reason? It’s the simple fact that I am cable-less this summer and don’t feel like dropping the money to watch the games online. Honestly, this summer league is probably one of the least important we’ve had this decade. The only possible good that could come from this is finding a Steven Hill-esque fan favorite, because none of these guys (save Jerryd, of course) will make a major impact during the actual season.

So, we’ve lost the first two games of summer league. Big deal. Good teams lose in summer league, bad teams win. I wish they would have chosen the original name David Stern pitched: Bizarro NBA. The good teams are bad, the bad teams are good, the games are played in the summer, and not in an NBA city. Either way, it’s good to see the young guys get the minutes they will never get with the team.

Oh yeah, in a bit of indulgent self-plugging, check out my article about the Dave Chappelle appearance at Portland Monthly.

Today, I’m declaring an end to my Blazers fandom and this blog. Sure, I’ve been working for a year on this thing, and have even gotten a few people to see it, but this is my official resignation. John Canzano convinced me. He convinced me that the thing to do when your favorite team makes one little mistake or maybe moves a direction that you don’t want them to is to jump ship as fast as possible and cut all possible ties with said team. Thank you Mr. Canzano.

He’s right, I am a shareholder, and as a shareholder, I will not support a team that uses standard negotiating tactics with its players. How dare the Blazers attempt to let Brandon Roy know that they won’t simply give him the max deal, and that there will be a little struggle in the process. That could never send a message to the rest of the team that if they won’t go easy on the best player, they won’t go easy on anybody. That would never happen. What a horrible decision. I could never follow a team that drafts backup power forwards instead of trading for the first pick. Thank goodness I’m quitting this sad franchise.

Sure, he suggested giving them a year, but no, that’s letting these knuckleheads off too easy. They make one mistake, they do one thing I don’t like, they lose a game…I’m out. Guess what, we lost the game against the Toronto Raptors during the summer league. Jerryd Bayless should be proud - his six turnovers killed my desire to root for this team. I’ll switch over to a great team, a team that’s been perfect during the summer league: the Los Angeles Clippers. After all, being a fan isn’t about loyalty, or pride. It’s about cold hard numbers and winning as much as possible. There are 30 teams in the NBA to choose from, how blind am I to only cheer for the Blazers? That’s like going to a salad bar and only eating the croutons.

The pyre I will build on the roof of my girlfriend’s apartment will be epic, and the smoke will be visible from the Rose Garden. Take a look at it, Pritchard. Drink it in. That smoke is your failure. In goes my girlfriend’s LaMarcus Aldridge jersey. In goes my Rudy jersey. The Uprise shirt from the past post-season that I received from Martell Webster will be the next type of fuel. Then some green leaves, because honestly, if you want smoke signals to work, you need some green leaves. (I learned it from Bear Grylls.) Then, my Arvydas Sabonis Soviet Union replica jersey, because it combines the Blazers failure with the failure of Communism. Finally, I’ll be cleansed of the horrible Blazer curse, and free to move on to a team that deserves my devotion: those flawless Clippers.

Thanks John, for saving me from this horrible fate.

Last week, so long ago during that horrible Turkoglu ordeal, this blog ran a post which included a long list of guys that would be better fits on the team. Let’s review it, just to see where we are relative to then, and what is available to us.

Mike Bibby
Leon Powe
Raymond Felton
Brandon Bass
Jason Kidd
Birdman Andersen
Antonio McDyess
Rasheed Wallace
Trevor Ariza
Lamar Odom
Ramon Sessions
David Lee
Andre Miller
Paul Millsap

As you can see, there are very few people left, and realistically speaking, there are only about four names left from the ones that are left: Ramon Sessions, David Lee, Paul Millsap, and Brandon Bass. Our PF questions can be answered through free agency, and our PG of the future will have to be had through trades. Still, Sessions would be a dream player, because this team could use the poor man’s Chris Paul/the lower middle class man’s Devin Harris.

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush: we’re interested in Millsap and Millsap is interested in us. This guy is the dream backup for the Blazers. He is one of the most tenacious rebounders in the league and is totally fearless on the court. He’ll bring the Blazers their first tenacious underdog since Brian Grant. If we sign him, prepare for the team’s new fan favorite.

The only hindrance to all of this going through is the money. Is it really worth it to drop 8 million dollars per year on a backup power forward? Will the money placate him into accepting a backup role despite the fact that he’s a young borderline all-star? Honestly, at this point, LaMarcus Aldridge is only barely better than Millsap. To put the two on the same team may hurt both of them. Would it be worthwhile to pay 8 mil to a guy getting 20 minutes per game? Then again, we’ll be paying 9 mil to a guy playing zero minutes per game. It just comes down to Millsap himself. If he’s willing to sublimate his ego in favor of his checkbook in order to play for a better team (and the Blazers are better than the Jazz), then the Blazers will be a damn scary team to play against next season. Let’s keep on hoping guys.

Dear Mrs. Turkoglu,I get where you’re coming from. Honestly, what self-respecting Turkish woman would want to live in Portland, Oregon? We have absolutely no diversity whatsoever. I mean, we’re the whitest major city in the United States, and probably the world. The closest thing to a second language that we have is Hick English, the chosen dialect of many parts of East Multnomah County. What foreigner would want to deal with that? I know I wouldn’t. Thank you Mrs Turkoglu (yes Mrs, as that’s how they write it where you’ll be living now), thank you for helping your husband come to his senses and realize what a horrible choice it would be to live here and play with a contender. It’s much better that he chose a team that mortgaged its future for him. After all, Toronto is much more friendly to Turks, that I’m sure of. Portland’s idea of Turkish cuisine a place with a kebab on the same menu as bento and burgers. You made the right move, Mrs Turkoglu.

Just to prove how pleased this blog is with your decision and your help with your husband, here are a few words from Canada that may not make sense to someone whose previous English immersion was in Orlando.

Chesterfield: Apparently this is a couch. News to me. You’ll have to figure this one out on your own Mrs Turkoglu.

Garburator: That’s an in-sink garbage disposal. Wow, these people have weird terms.

Eavestrough: A gutter? Man, I’m beginning to think you made the wrong move.

Hoser: A term of affection. It will often be used to describe Bryan Colangelo and your husband in the years to come. It just means that the local fans absolutely love 35-win seasons.

Eh: A negator. Much like the pas in French (another language you’ll have to familiarize yourself with), this negates the phrase that precedes it, as in “Hedo Turkoglu sucks, eh.” They’re simply saying that your husband doesn’t suck, so don’t worry.

So, Canada may have some weird terms that make no sense anywhere else in the world, but hey, we all have our little cultural quirks. Anyway, you shouldn’t distress, Mrs Turkoglu; you made the right move. You’ll be in a place with culture and snow (Did I forget to mention the snow? Expect a lot more of that stuff than you would have found in Turkey or Orlando or even Sacramento.) and hospitality. I’m sure the Canadians will reciprocate the love you have for their city. Thank you for steering your husband to the place he should be. Thank you most of all for getting your husband out of our city.

Sincerely,
Trail Post

Meet Blazers fans’ new second-favorite team:

Thank you so much to the cartoon dinosaurs for helping us dodge a bullet that really could have been a doozy.

Now it’s official. Well, quasi-official. Hedo Turkoglu is going to be a Portland Trailblazer.

We’re spending every dime we have right now on a guy that barely improves the team, is as overrated a shooter as there is in the NBA, and has as inflated a reputation for clutch heroics as Chauncey Billups.

In the next few years, whether we have success (and that success can only be a championship now, and nothing else) or withering, horrible defeat, this decision will be one we look back on. It will be the one where we say, “Wow, he thought ahead of us and made the move to make us a title-winner,” or, if we lose, many of us will be justified, saying, “This terribly short-sighted move just cost the team a championship. Every move that he made up to now means nothing. He made a deal that Bob Whitsitt would have shaken his head at.”

In the name of quick potential improvement, we may have just sold out our long-time goals. We signed a player that will stunt the growth of Nicolas Batum and Rudy Fernandaz, guys whose potential is much higher than Hedo Turkoglu could ever dream. We signed a declining player who can’t play defense in a contract year just because he had a good postseason performance. This could be the decision that may undo the team in the long run and keep us from getting over the top. Hopefully I’m wrong.

But for now, I’m feeling Pritch-slapped.

Don’t worry folks, it’s not here. Zach Randolph was traded yet again, this time to the Memphis Grizzlies. Depending on your perspective, the Grizzlies may have just come off like the guy who traded a paper clip for a house through Craigslist. They started with Darko Milicic, who is mostly worthless, then got Quentin Richardson, who is less worthless, and then got Zach Randolph, who is a 20 and 10 guy. Then again, he’s not a winner and doesn’t play defense. So, the Grizzlies traded a paper clip for a slightly sturdier paper clip. Either way, congrats to Zach. Fourth team’s the charm.

Still, the best news to come from this is the return of Quentin Richardson to Los Angeles. If Mike Dunleavy had a soul (which of course, he doesn’t - look into those eyes, there’s not even a hint of empathy), he would look into truly completing the Quentin Richardson deal by signing one Darius Miles. Look, Miles already screwed us over by trying to follow his dream, so it’s only fair that we should get some compensation by reuniting the most exciting duo of the early decade. Then again, it would probably just end up macabre and depressing, as somehow Miles would break his wrist doing the head bump after a half-hearted lay-up.

PLEASE REUNITE US

Seems like Turkoglu’s our man.

What the Blazers are going through right now is very similar to what a movie production company goes through when casting an actor for a new film. It wants to make sure that he has a good history, makes successful movies, and can put asses in the seats. This is when they sign Will Smith. The Blazers just decided to sign Keanu Reeves.

Like Reeves, Turkoglu is enough above average to get by. He’s by no means near the conversation as one of the best small forwards in the league, but he’s a solid player that knows how to hit a key shot. He’s a smarter version of Travis Outlaw. Do we need that? Of course we do. Is it worth fifty million dollars? Come on. This past post-season is Turkoglu’s Matrix; “see, he can show up and make a difference!” apologists say. Of course, that would make his Game 5 performance Matrix Revolutions.

Just to let you know how much Trail Post is against this signing, here’s a list of free agents that we’d rather be offering money to right now than Hedo Turkoglu:

Mike Bibby
Leon Powe
Raymond Felton
Brandon Bass
Jason Kidd (but not much more than Turkoglu)
Birdman Andersen
Antonio McDyess
Rasheed Wallace (that would be a dream scenario that would never happen)
Ron Artest
Trevor Ariza
Lamar Odom
Jamaal Magloire (just kidding, checking if you’re still reading)
Ramon Sessions
David Lee
Andre Miller
Paul Millsap

Here’s a little running theme amongst all these guys: only three of them are small forwards. The rest are backup big men and point guards. We don’t need a small forward right now. We have two good young ones that both have the potential to be as good or better than Turkoglu. If we locked him up in a long-term deal, we might as well be declaring that Batum will never be a great player in a Blazer uniform. It’ll be fun to see him win titles with another team in a couple of years.

I never thought I’d see the day when Kevin Pritchard falls victim to that horrible specter known as “conventional wisdom” but here we are. We see a guy who has never been great produce well in one playoffs, and all of a sudden he’s the hottest commodity out there. Why aren’t we running his numbers through the thousand Nobel-worthy algorithms that we use in the draft? This is free agency in a recession, and we’re the big buyer. We don’t need to blow it on a guy that offers little marginal improvement.