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Jul 21 2009

Portland’s Next Top Scapegoat

Published by runyon at 9:38 am under Portland Trailblazers Edit This

Haters need fuel. No, not heaters (although they need it too) - haters. They will find someone to assign their hate to, and follow through with that. If there’s no one deserving, it will be arbitrarily assigned for some cultural reason. This person is a scapegoat. It seems like one of the most proud traditions of Blazer fans is assigning a player this derogatory name. This player tends to underachieve a bit, hurt the team in key moments, and have a small, yet zealous and disproportionately loud base, like much of today’s Republican party.

Any fan who’s been following the team with even mildly piqued interest knows the scapegoats of past seasons. You can even assign them nicknames based on the players’ foibles. Of course, 2006-2007 was the Year of the Black Hole, as the team’s offense was dominated by Zach Randolph, despite the best efforts of Brandon Roy take it over. 2007-08 was the Year of the Foot Out of Bounds, as Jarrett Jack would get confused as to where his heel ended and the end lines began. Jack got strong competition from Sergio’s bad passes off of hands and feet, and that season was almost the Year of the Errant Pass. Last season, of course, that was the Year of the Foot on the Line, thanks to Travis’ preferred method of putting up a long-distance shot.

Still, the goat changes every year, and it’s difficult for anyone not named Zach Randolph to repeat. Travis has made runs, but his relative importance is no where near what Zach’s was, hurting his case in the long term. With a trade seeming imminent, there could be an all-new scapegoat to drunkenly hurl insults at through the TV next year. Let’s take a look at the contenders.

Jerryd Bayless - Even if he’s the better version of Jarrett Jack, he’s still a version of Jarrett Jack. If he doesn’t figure out how to distribute better and stop getting in foul trouble, the team could be leaving its point guard duties to a point guard who’s even more of a journeyman than Steve Blake. Projected Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Too Much Body Up Top.

Steve Blake - Our point guards aren’t a wreck, but they prospectively could be. Blake’s got the work ethic, but he is still deficient in athleticism. Quick guards eat his lunch, and then take his mother out for a nice steak dinner, and then never call her back. If that three point shooting dries up, he becomes a husk, and the Blazers are in danger. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Broken Ankle.

Rudy Fernandez - Maybe this comes as a surprise, considering Rudy’s one of the most popular players in the city, but can you name another player on the team that makes as many ridiculous mistakes as Rudy? He gambles, he takes what look like wild threes, and he isn’t that good at defense. Fortunately, his incredible successes make those mild failures easily forgettable. With the departure of Sergio, this could change. How will his chemistry be with Jerryd? Will there still be those midcourt-thrown alley-oops? Let’s hope this doesn’t happen. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Why Can’t He Dunk This Season.

Greg Oden - Last year was for learning, this year is for doing. He doesn’t have the excuse of it being his first year any more. Greg has to produce. We can’t have him being out of position constantly and picking up dumb fouls. No matter what damage he could do through scoring and rebounds, it won’t matter if he’s on the bench. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Ticky Tack.

Kevin Pritchard - It’s been a while since a GM earned this honor, as Bob Whitsitt and the Year of the Washed Up Veterans was the last known occurrence of this happening. With the failures this summer and past spring to acquire new talent, Pritchard is put on notice. He could easily lose the scapegoat tag with a Ramon Sessions signing though. It would also banish Rex and Blake from the list too. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Staying Put.

Travis Outlaw - If by some strange coincidence, Travis is still on the team and still getting minutes, he would be technically eligible for the award, even if he received it last year. However, it would take a failure of an incredible degree (think Outlaw accidentally stabbing Brandon Roy with a hypodermic needle full of cyanide during a fourth quarter against the Lakers) for him to steal the award outright, as any normal Travis action that adversely affects the team should be attributed to Kevin Pritchard. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the I Can’t Believe He Stabbed Brandon Roy With a Hypodermic Needle, How Did That Even Get on the Floor.

Nobody - Maybe it all comes together. Maybe the team works together and any gaffes are immediately corrected by valiant play and hard work. Though it hasn’t happened in a long time, maybe we won’t have a scapegoat next year. This can actually happen, too. Prospective Scapegoat Year Name: Year of the Championship.

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3 Responses to “Portland’s Next Top Scapegoat”

  1. Anonymouson 21 Jul 2009 at 9:48 am edit this

    I think you are completely wrong.

  2. Chuckon 21 Jul 2009 at 2:01 pm edit this

    I agree with Blazers Edge Ben, Bayless and Owen are both primed for scorn if they don’t deliver and quickly.

    But let’s be honest, we all know how that needle got there… Luck the Fakers.

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